When children are facing the difficult reality that their parents are getting divorced, they might respond by internalizing the conflict between the adults. Most children are generally not privy to the many arguments behind closed doors and disagreements that the parents have had for many years. As a result, children may turn inward and blame themselves for their parents’ failing relationship, as well as for the divorce itself. While you might realize that your divorce has nothing to do with your child, they might not be so sure, and it is your job to help your child to stop accepting the blame.
#1: Talk Openly and Carefully
If a divorce is coming, you and your spouse should make every effort to speak with your child together about what will soon be happening. You must be very clear that the split is due to issues that you and your spouse have with one another. Your child did not break the marriage, and they cannot fix the marriage. Also, be sure to talk to your child in a manner that is appropriate for their age, including the details you choose to share. For example, it might be true that the stresses of child-rearing did cause damage to the relationship between you and your spouse. However, if you say that to your second grader, they could interpret that as you saying that he or she caused your divorce by simply existing.
#2: Invite Ongoing Communication
Once you have told your child about the divorce, do not have preconceived expectations about how he or she will handle the information. Everybody handles difficult news in his or her own way. It is also important to avoid asking your child to keep things to himself or herself. Do not put the pressure of secrets on your child. Instead, tell your child only what you are comfortable with others finding out. Similarly, do not force your child to talk to you right away. Instead, offer a safe, welcoming atmosphere in which your child can talk about their concerns or feelings without negative consequences.